Monday, November 28, 2005

The Problem

*the following is a prayer from my journal. I hope it speaks to your heart, not your intellect. If it speaks to no one…I’m okay with that. :P

My Creator and God,
You’ve proved Yourself over and over in new ways in the past few weeks. Just when I think I know You, You move and I see a new facet of Your being that blows me away. Like Icarus, I’ve built wings to fly on my own. But my wings don’t sail me to the sky. I only come crashing down on the rocks below.

Jesus told me that would happen. But I’m not sure I listened.

At times my soul is restless. I endlessly flip channels on my Dish, my XM radio, looking for …something. I’m not even sure what. My favorite shows don’t interest me anymore. My favorite bands are shallow at best. A dim reflection of something much better. Like standing on the edge of something large, yet settling for something much smaller.

Jesus told me that would happen. But I’m not sure I really believed Him.

The problem is I know a little of who I am not. Of what I am not. But I’m not sure I really know all that I am. Not the husband/youth minister/dad/guitarist-guy-who-loves-to-fish part of who I am. That part I know. But what about the adopted-son-of-the-King part of me? What about the more real part of that has been reborn into the image that looks like You? What about the Child of Grace? The problem is I don’t know as much of that as I claim.

I’ve devoted my heart to You. But my heart isn’t built to stay. It continually wanders. It keeps running away. But You give grace to my wayward heart.

Jesus said You would. But I’m not sure I really understood.

I’ve traded You for a mountain of Fool’s Gold, yet You’ve filled my cup with grace. I dumped it out on the floor, then came crawling back for more. Yet, you filled it again.

Jesus said You would. I didn’t believe you really would though.

You make me believe that I could trust you. You make me think that real love exists. That somewhere out there, there is a love that never fails. That there could be a love greater than my sin.

That’s what Jesus said. I’m beginning to believe him.


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